Have you noticed that freezers are always three-quarters full when really, they are empty. Not sure what I mean?

Last night I was looking for freezer space for my groceries, and saw pizza sauce, mashed potatoes, cubes of chicken broth…I think. I can’t really tell!

Rather than admit defeat I close the door to think. I need to make room, but I can’t toss these indecipherable packages and containers because I have been paying to freeze them all this time. They must be valuable - and edible - if I put them in there!

Which brings us to the first law of freezers. The longer an item remains in the freezer the less likely you are to throw it away or eat it.

I call this the grandfather rule. In practice, ancient items have grandfathered rights to remain in the freezer.

The problem is these inedible edibles are taking up valuable real estate. How am I supposed to be a freezer diva when all I can stash in my icebox is one measly pizza pocket? It’s embarrassing, I tell you.

Worst of all, my frozen foodstuffs mock me.

Have you ever tried to put a carton of ice cream on top of a grandfathered tenant? It immediately slides off and jams the door before you can slam it shut. It’s as if all the old tenants pass around a bottle of olive oil and lather up so nobody can cozy up to them.

This is the second law of freezers. Old = oily.

If you are lucky, you will close the freezer completely on the seventh try. (Yes, I leave the freezer bursting precariously and yes, I make sure not to be the next person who opens it.)

Yesterday, after a late-night run to Albertons, I came face to face with my grumpy old tenants. Oh, I’ll outsmart you this time, I thought, when I returned with three whole chickens, two cartons of ice cream and one pint of sorbet. (Not to mention 11 boxes of cereal, all on super sale.)

The sorbet popped into the door on top of a bag of chili peppers (I’m testing how long they freeze. Three years and counting!) I jammed one ice cream container into a bag of frozen peas, and I rearranged two packages of hot dogs to make room for a chicken. I shoved the second ice cream carton into a bag of hamburger buns and stuffed another chicken on top. That leaves one more chicken -- into the fridge with you!

The door stayed shut, but  I know my tenants will get the better of me soon. So this morning I decided to confront them once and for all.

I opened my freezer and evicted every last edible and inedible package. Get moving, granny!

Here are the shady characters bound for the trash:

8 frozen strawberries

1 freezer-burned chicken carcass (for making broth - as if I needed more!)

2 empty plastic bags

5 completely unidentifiable packages

1 bag french toast

4 cubes of potatoes

2 tiny balls of dough

I wiped down the freezer, re-arranged the items by category (from the bottom up: bread/veggies, meat, anything in tupperware, misc.), and have come to the third freezer law. Sometimes you have to throw stuff out. Now the top shelf is half-empty. Success!